Solace

Posted by: TMTW in Fiction, Sunday Scribblings

Rain-drenched trees bow politely at me, their branches shivering under the weight of a nocturnal torrent. Dark green forms somewhat veiled by substantial fog tease my imagination as I gaze into the early morning paleness.

Foul weather is the fuel of my imagination. What is an inconvenience to some is pure bliss to me. I see the fog as my security blanket, the rain as my lullaby. The wet smell of the earth soothes me as I trudge along.

I imagine myself to be a ghost, as pale as the fog around me. I swoop down the lane and slip through the cracks of an abandoned barn. I pause in the middle of the empty space and then sway to music only I can hear, oblivious to the dust and decay, recalling the barn dance nearly one hundred years ago. I asked my wife for her hand in marriage then, and we lived so happily.

I am the hawk gliding upon a thermal. My feathers are impervious to the moisture of the low cloud cover as I circle a mile from the ground. I fill my lungs with the air, relishing the clammy feeling in my nares.

I’m a molecule tossed into the air in the form of steam.

I am a vampire, prowling for my next meal. I see a house in the distance and feel my hunger rising. The fog deadens the sound of my tread on their porch. I enter and find the inhabitants to be an easy meal.

I am looking out my window and my mind returns from daydreams. Neither vampire or ghoul, nor hawk or molecule, I am simply me. I smile at the trees and roll over, content.

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July 1st, Canada (birth!) Day

Posted by: TMTW in Humor, Reprint

July 1st – a relaxing day. Not only is it my birthday, but also the day that Canadians celebrate the birth of the man (Oscar Canada) who discovered their great land. I’m told that they hold dog sled races in the deep July snow to commemorate the occasion, replete with lumberjack competitions and RCMP formation drills. The PM, Stephen Harper, was on hand to help judge the moose beauty pageant. The moose (or “mooses” if you are from the any state in the deep South, USA) must sing the national anthem (dedicated to Mr. O. Canada) with perfect pitch least they be disqualified.

My wonderful Canadian friends are going to kick my ass all over the Internet, to be sure.

I had a friend “back in the day” that honestly thought that Cinco de Mayo was held in celebration of the “man who discovered Mexico”. His name, of course, was Cinco de Mayo (no relation to Oscar Canada or even Oscar de la Renta.) The mistranslation of “Fifth of May” to “this guy’s name” undeniably stymied her attempts to date a Hispanic male. It didn’t surprise me one iota when some foolish person refused to believe Canada Day was about the enactment of the British North American Act. I am not going into detail about the “how and why” of it. Google and learn.

How sad is it that Americans seem clueless with regard to their neighbors to the north and south? Are we nothing more than a nation that saturates itself with prime time talent contests, baby daddy talk shows, and hyperbole as it pertains to our self-estimation? (Be forewarned, the next generation was weaned on Fruit Roll-Ups, Starbuck’s burnt coffee and Go-Gurt. I don’t expect much in the way of vigorous brain cell activity. God forbid they reach their 40’s and suddenly discover that Canada is not the 51st state.)

I can overlook some things. If you have never called a living and breathing human being in Canada, you might not know that you can dial the number just as you would any long distance phone number, using only 1+area code. Please do not try to place a call to Canadians who are not living and breathing; the dead tend to ignore the phone’s ring.

Another misconception: Canada does not have “states”. Should you ask a Canadian what state he lives in, he will probably think, “a state of hell, having to deal with yet another inept American.” Canada is a federation of ten provinces and three territories. They have a PM (Prime Minister, which is not the same thing as prime rib) rather than a president.

Canadians enjoy indoor plumbing, paved roads and buildings comprised of materials other than ice. They drive in the same sort of vehicles that you would see in the United States. Most do not finish every sentence with “ay”, although there are some that do. Contrary to popular belief, Canada has a military and space programs. Mounties do not ride yaks (the Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen are Ren and Stimpy fantasy.)

We will not even touch the clueless American who became rather perturbed upon hearing that Niagara (pronounced nye AH grah by the bungling) Falls has a “Canadian side”, how dare they! Les Chutes du Niagara cascading down from the Niagara River surely must belong to the Americans. It never occurred to her that there was more to Niagara than a single cataract of water.

My birthday (I did not discover Canada) was splendid. Better Half treated me to the new Disney-Pixar film, Wall-E. We had a lovely dinner out and enjoyed a wonderful cherry cake.

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